Friday, November 20, 2009

ADVICE - Incredible, True, Factual Advice, One or two about Space

“. . . Socks: buy ten pairs of black cotton socks and ten woollen; and stick to black for the rest of your life, saving hundreds of hours trying to match odd socks.

Knots: these tend to tighten under tension: compression can loosen them; so to unpick, push rather than pull apart, first stiffening up the cord by twisting with (not counter to) the cord’s existing twist.

Shaving: except when the stubble is very heavy, shave against rather than with the lie of the beard.

Port can cause a ghastly hangover.

Charged by a bullock, lunge: he’ll back off. But not a bull. Learn to distinguish. Bullocks have no balls.

Few people are genuinely unaware of any great talent they possess.

Bloodstains can be removed by pouring boiling water through (not over) the cloth.

Candle wax really can be ironed out of clothes or rugs by ironing between sheets of newspaper.

Generally speaking, a worm won’t turn, or he already would have. Proceed on the working assumption that most people will carry on behaving as they’ve always behaved so far.

There’s usually a reason why friendless people lack friends.

Non-ferrous metals don’t trigger most security scanners, so don’t bother to empty your pockets of change.

Never kid yourself you can make something of somebody; instead, find someone who’s making something of themselves, and help them, otherwise years can be expended trying to push the human equivalent of a wet end of spaghetti up a wall.

If milk’s even a bit off, it’s off.

Wasps really don’t sting unless attacked.

Coffee grounds get everywhere.

Be brutal about wedding invitations: there are only so many Saturdays in your life.

Squeezing spots really does aggravate the inflammation.

All occasions on which women wear hats are utterly pointless.

If you think you might be about to be sick, you are about to be sick: run to the loo.

If you feel you might be about to faint, you will unless you drop to the floor immediately.

Nothing in politics is more than 85 per cent certain.

Resolve now — now — never to iron a shirt in your life: make this your starting-point, your irreducible core, and find another way.

Sick animals are almost always going to die.

A struggling shrub or tree is usually beyond help.

Mildew and fungal blights are impossible to eradicate.

Violently boiling water isn’t any hotter than gently boiling water.

Don’t think people aren’t going to notice dirty fingernails.

People who say their first impressions are always right are people too pig-headed to revise them; first impressions can be wholly wrong.

Never underestimate the pleasure that can be given by cancelling a party: busy friends love an unexpected diary window.

If practicable, carry heavy bags, cases or furniture on your head: much less strain.

If the first nail won’t hammer into a wall, the second won’t either.

Never accuse someone of stealing unless you’re absolutely sure.

Never return a gift. Never rescind an invitation.

Space is not really infinite, so keep your eye on the road.

Never think that someone who might have expected to be included won’t notice they haven’t been.

Buy wide-toed shoes, a size too big, go shoe-less whenever possible, and you’ll still have perfect feet at 60.

Wash your hair with water and ban shampoo: this really works.

Whenever contemplating taking out insurance, don’t — but deposit the amount of the premium in an earmarked savings account. You’ll almost certainly end up miles ahead.

When things stop working the natural human assumption that there’s a particular cause is frequently mistaken: often there are multiple causes in malign combination.

Friends won’t volunteer criticism: you have to ask.

Patent car-radiator-sealing fluids rarely solve the problem.

You can walk away from bores: they’re used to this and develop thick skins.

When tossing and turning in an irrational half-awake state of insomnia, wake yourself up properly, switch on the light, get up and strip and remake your bed, then go back to bed.

When cocking up a task, “stop; abort; start again” is usually better than trying to rectify.

If you’re standing up to read newspapers you’re getting long-sighted: reading glasses can be obtained for £2; buy ten.

If, at a moment when any reasonable person would expect you to lose your cool completely, you instead don’t, and stay calm and collected, nobody present will ever forget this about you.

Time travel is just as fun as you hoped, keep looking!

In plumbing or siphoning, air-locks are often the problem, and run counter to the laws of physics.

By acting bravely we become brave; not the other way round.

Never melt wax in a saucepan you hope to use again.

Happiness is not getting what you want, its wanting what you have.

If you find something that you really like in a shop, buy five. You will never see it for sale again.

Don't be sad. Today is a tiny flash in your life. Tomorrow it will have passed and next week you won't even remember it.

My mother told me when I was very young, "get out there, fight your own battles and win your own wars"

Never eat anything bigger than your head.

It is OK to buy second hand from anyone you are sure will want to speak to you again.

Paint that washes down and polish that buffs up are high yield investments.

If the cat won't acknowledge you, work out why.

If your spouse won't speak to you, apologise.

Don’t fret over jobs, money, or end of the world, you either have your health or you don’t. That’s the only important thing and that to will pass.

Never fake a chess game, even to lose.

Never to run for the telephone.

Hyperspace will make you feel like you are drunk, so you might as well drink up before the trip.




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